Discovering Myself
Dear Blog,
It's been over a month since I last wrote here. It feels amazing to think how much I accomplished from that day till today. Since that time, I completed the last parts of my MSci thesis, went on day trips with my <3 who came all the way from Malaysia, celebrated my birthday, joined the MSc Petroleum Geoscience classes for an entire 4 weeks 9-5pm and then had my viva (interview) for my MSci project. And now it's 13th February. Alhamdulillah there is so many things to be thankful for.
Yes, it's so dark outside and super cold last weekend. I wanted to go to the park but it was too windy, rainy and actually snowed Saturday morning a little. I went out to get a small heart-shaped Valentine's cake for my friend who came from Cardiff for a post-birthday surprise. We cooked chicken tomyam together yesterday and for the rest of the weekend, I caught up on laundry, grocery, some revision, phone calls to mum and dad, skype with <3 and stayed warm indoors.
Oh dear, how shall I phrase this.. I do really miss home at this point. With this weather and especially after my <3 went back. It reminded me of home when he was here. Plus it's the time of the year when it's my mum, grandma and sister's birthday. Last month and this month. It's a complicated feeling. I like being here and studying in London but at the same time I wish this was near home. Living here feels like I am living the life of fab. Everything is so posh and fabulous and at times, extravagant and cool. I go shopping, feeding ducks in Hyde Park, my cool university, my cosy room, living in Zone 1 London! Smack in city centre with the Kensington Palace, Harrods, Royal Albert Hall and everything posh within walking distance. I look out my kitchen window and I see London Eye, the Chard and Sky Gardens. I look out my bedroom window, I see The Chelsea Stadium (Stamford Bridge). My friends are from all over the world, I have made good friends from France, Spain, South Africa, Cyprus, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Russia, China, Spain, Germany, America, Portugal, Hong Kong, Turkey, the UK and Singapore and Malaysia of course and many more. I never thought I would make this many friends and I thought I would just hang around with Malaysians but little did I know that I would be making some very good friends from all over the world. I am trying not to get too attached to anybody because I know I will want to leave soon. At the same time, I cannot deny that there is this nostalgic feeling deep inside that I know I will miss this place. London has been my home for almost 4 years now. So that means I have spent 9 years of my life in America, 11 years in Malaysia and 4 years in the UK. I love this place but at the same time, I know myself and I have been learning about myself more and more on this lovely journey and I know deep inside what I eventually seek for in life.
Something I would want you to do is to discover yourself. Discover your character and the person you are inside. In your early 20s, this can be slightly conflicting and you are not sure about this and that and many things. However, with time, I am sure you will know yourself more and more and the questions you had before when you were younger will be answered insyaAllah. It is so important to know yourself well. I have to say there were things about myself that I did not know until recently.
My blog title today may sound a bit odd as I have never mentioned this before. I have heard the word 'Discovering Yourself' many times but I have not given much thought to it. Today, I can say that I have started observing myself and discovering new things about my likes and dislikes and it is starting to all make sense. I feel like this happens with age. As we get older we get more mature and that is why people always say its all part of growing up. I even read and heard many times in a motivational talk that the brain fully develops at the age of 30 and matures by the age of 25. This can be an average for most people. It can be higher or lower for certain people but what I am trying to say here is that this actually gave me some relief because if there was anything I was worrying about, I would say hmm this will sort out eventually when my brain develops fully hehe ;) Not that I am worrying about anything big. It's actually having the tendency to dwell on small things is what I want to improve and hope that with time, I can be more adult-ish in dealing with any situation be it trivial or complex.
So back to the topic on self-discovery, I have to say I realised many things about myself recently. I feel like a slightly different person from mid towards the end of last year till now. It may be that I am growing up (aww I still wanna sound like a baby, yes I like being a carefree baby hehe joking) and there has been a significant development in the maturity of myself that alhamdulillah I am thankful for. Some things that bothered me before no longer do. I have literally learned to 'not care' about certain small things. Do not get me wrong. I do not mean this in a bad way but honestly I sometimes have this 'I couldn't care less' feeling whereas before I felt like I was more naive and would be affected by these things. Let me give some examples of somethings I recently discovered.
What I Dislike:
- People being too apolegetic for small things. It gives me the opposite effect and makes me feel bad. I would rather if someone is sorry to actually say it and take action to show they are sorry. Not dwell on the that fact they are sorry but then repeat the same thing again or do nothing to make up for it. Not saying sorry at all is bad but saying it at the right times + actions is what I consider the right thing. Then again, people have their own ways of dealing with situations like this so this is my opinion and I am aware that not everyone may agree with this. Like for me, if you realise, I do not say 'sorry' very often. My parents especially my dad always tells me that I do not need to say sorry for small things. Sorry is a big word to show regret/remorse. I only say it when I mean it or when I need to. And I always always do something to make it up like a hug or a small gift or kind words. It's not complicated. If you have good intentions, it usually shows naturally.
- When people change plans at the last minute without any good reason. I always try to never do this to anybody because it's just bad to cancel last minute.
-People taking too long (days or weeks) to reply my messages or emails. Unless I know they are ill or on holiday, I often easily think that my message is considered not important to the other person. If the person does not reply at all, I will not consider sending a message again unless I really need to or until they make the first gesture.
- People asking too much about my problems or personal things. You see, I can be quite a reserved person sometimes. It is hard for me to open up to people and discuss personal things because I either think they won't understand or they will not give the support I need. For me to open up with people, it usually involves them speaking of their problem/ personal issues first. It gives me the green light that I can mention mine to them and they possibly want to hear my story as well. And when I tell people a problem for example, I am not the kind of person who just wants someone to listen. I want advice or at least motivational words to make me feel better or boost self-esteem because obviously when talking about problems, you can feel down. If I feel this person fits the criteria above, then I can open up. Otherwise, I will just stick to general topics and listen to whatever they want to share with me. I sound so complicated hehe but hey, there are some things you cannot control. And this is one example. I am a good listener though ;)
- People criticising personal things or comments too harshly on anything in the world even Trump. To me, giving an opinion is very different to criticising. Oh gosh, on fb alone people love criticising. It's a bit annoying to read honestly. To me, everyone has their own thinking and ways of doing things. About Trump, let the people of America decide who they want as president. Period. Enough said. Yes when you do not agree, you feel like telling the world but there is no need to sound harsh, rude and all the bad language. Be mature and have etiquette.
-Bad language. I do not like using harsh words. To me, it makes me sound weak. But then again, that's is my opinion. It is not suitable being the person I am.
-Rudeness, no manners, people looking down on others.
Now that I have listed these, I realised there are not too many dislikes I have. I do not like talking about dislikes to be honest. Its too much negativity and being positive and light-hearted is what I aim for always :) Then again, nobody is perfect and everyone has their likes and dislikes.
Plus, being the person I am, one more thing I dislike is :
- Hurting other people's feelings. Oh gosh, sometimes when I am offended I decide to keep quiet and not say or show anything so that the other person is not offended. I am very worried of offending people especially those I am close to and love. To me, as long as I know I did not do anything to hurt the other, I feel good at heart even if the other person did something wrong. If it was small, I'll just brush it away. If it is more serious, I'll have a chat. How do I stay so positive about someone who has offended me? Well, I always focus and think immediately about the good things they have done for me even if it is a small thing or their kind words/ gestures. I think to myself that probably they had good intentions but they did not know how to show it correctly at the time. Or I have compassion and think poor girl/guy, they are just another human being with feelings and weakness. If I am angry, they will feel hurt. Or I think how much I pity the poor or the homeless. So I think, this annoying person (at the time) could be this poor or homeless guy. Imagine how much empathy you have for this poor guy and try to channel some of that empathy to the person you are dealing with because God can change people's fate anytime. If you can feel empathy for someone in a more difficult situation than you, then I am sure you realise that your situation is not as difficult :)
This may be an exception at the time of the month or if I am not in a good mood. Most of the times, this applies :)
Ok so while I was blogging I received an email from my mentees and from my mentor partner, Sophie. Since I am on my fourth year, I get to be a mentor to 1st year students and an Undergraduate Teaching Assistant. So I get to help out in class and have a group of mentees outside lectures to meet and give tips and guidance. Its so fun! I like teaching and being on the other side of the table. Usually I am the student and now I am like the 'teacher' during these sessions. You see what I mean by fun activities. There is so much going on in Imperial, I love what I do. It keeps me positively busy day to day.
What I Like:
This is my favourite part because I get to talk about the positive and fun stuff.
- I like it when people spell my name correctly, it brings them up to a different level.
- I like it when people send me messages with smileys, it sets a positive tone.
- People remembering what I told them, for example important dates like birthday or wishing me on exam or interview day, plus plus point.
- People giving me cards/gifts on my birthday or anything really. It means so much to me to get a birthday wish or gift from someone. If there were hard feelings with anyone and they suddenly gave me something special for my birthday, I feel like all negativity has been erased away. When I say special it does not mean expensive but something they put effort into like a personalised gift or something of my favourite colour or along my favourite items: flowers, floral perfume/lotion, motivational diaries, tea, soft animals, anything green, any elegant jewellery like fine bracelets. My family, <3 and beloved besties know me well and yes I have received all of these this year and last birthday. Something else about me is that I do not like to show what I receive or what I am up to in my life too much because I am worried sometimes that someone who did not receive the same might feel disheartened. However, as I am growing up I realise that it is alright. Everyone has their own rezeki and being mature, we should be able to always be thankful with what we have and be happy for others. Remember how I told you earlier about pitying the unfortunate person on the street? If you feel sad when you see someone like that, shouldn't you be happy when someone else is happy in life? The reality is that Allah put different rezeki for different people. Keep an eye out for your own one and know that other people will have their own.
- I like to know that I am needed/ important to the other person. Whether this is said verbally or shown in action, I feel happier when this is the case.
-I like it when I can rely on the other person for small favours or when I am in need. To me, a friend in need is certainly a friend indeed. For example, I will always remember the person who helped me when I needed help. This is a deciding factor if I can call someone a close friend or not.
Some of these things I realised only recently. Some of these I have realised since before. Whatever it is, discovering yourself is crucial and self-discovery can make you a happier and content person.
The key thing here is whatever my likes or dislikes are, I know that I cannot change people. I cannot change people's behaviour except myself. The crucial part is that I have learned more about myself so I can understand the situation better when I react in certain ways or why I am closer to this person than the other. Or why I get along with people with this kind of personalities. Or the decisions I make in life. It all falls into place and makes more sense. Of course, discovering more about yourself is a journey and it takes time. Life is so busy that I have never given much thought to this but this is something I realise is important. We are all so young and there is always room for improvement as long as you keep that positive spirit and remain upbeat.
Have a great week ahead :)
It's been over a month since I last wrote here. It feels amazing to think how much I accomplished from that day till today. Since that time, I completed the last parts of my MSci thesis, went on day trips with my <3 who came all the way from Malaysia, celebrated my birthday, joined the MSc Petroleum Geoscience classes for an entire 4 weeks 9-5pm and then had my viva (interview) for my MSci project. And now it's 13th February. Alhamdulillah there is so many things to be thankful for.
Yes, it's so dark outside and super cold last weekend. I wanted to go to the park but it was too windy, rainy and actually snowed Saturday morning a little. I went out to get a small heart-shaped Valentine's cake for my friend who came from Cardiff for a post-birthday surprise. We cooked chicken tomyam together yesterday and for the rest of the weekend, I caught up on laundry, grocery, some revision, phone calls to mum and dad, skype with <3 and stayed warm indoors.
Oh dear, how shall I phrase this.. I do really miss home at this point. With this weather and especially after my <3 went back. It reminded me of home when he was here. Plus it's the time of the year when it's my mum, grandma and sister's birthday. Last month and this month. It's a complicated feeling. I like being here and studying in London but at the same time I wish this was near home. Living here feels like I am living the life of fab. Everything is so posh and fabulous and at times, extravagant and cool. I go shopping, feeding ducks in Hyde Park, my cool university, my cosy room, living in Zone 1 London! Smack in city centre with the Kensington Palace, Harrods, Royal Albert Hall and everything posh within walking distance. I look out my kitchen window and I see London Eye, the Chard and Sky Gardens. I look out my bedroom window, I see The Chelsea Stadium (Stamford Bridge). My friends are from all over the world, I have made good friends from France, Spain, South Africa, Cyprus, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Russia, China, Spain, Germany, America, Portugal, Hong Kong, Turkey, the UK and Singapore and Malaysia of course and many more. I never thought I would make this many friends and I thought I would just hang around with Malaysians but little did I know that I would be making some very good friends from all over the world. I am trying not to get too attached to anybody because I know I will want to leave soon. At the same time, I cannot deny that there is this nostalgic feeling deep inside that I know I will miss this place. London has been my home for almost 4 years now. So that means I have spent 9 years of my life in America, 11 years in Malaysia and 4 years in the UK. I love this place but at the same time, I know myself and I have been learning about myself more and more on this lovely journey and I know deep inside what I eventually seek for in life.
Something I would want you to do is to discover yourself. Discover your character and the person you are inside. In your early 20s, this can be slightly conflicting and you are not sure about this and that and many things. However, with time, I am sure you will know yourself more and more and the questions you had before when you were younger will be answered insyaAllah. It is so important to know yourself well. I have to say there were things about myself that I did not know until recently.
My blog title today may sound a bit odd as I have never mentioned this before. I have heard the word 'Discovering Yourself' many times but I have not given much thought to it. Today, I can say that I have started observing myself and discovering new things about my likes and dislikes and it is starting to all make sense. I feel like this happens with age. As we get older we get more mature and that is why people always say its all part of growing up. I even read and heard many times in a motivational talk that the brain fully develops at the age of 30 and matures by the age of 25. This can be an average for most people. It can be higher or lower for certain people but what I am trying to say here is that this actually gave me some relief because if there was anything I was worrying about, I would say hmm this will sort out eventually when my brain develops fully hehe ;) Not that I am worrying about anything big. It's actually having the tendency to dwell on small things is what I want to improve and hope that with time, I can be more adult-ish in dealing with any situation be it trivial or complex.
So back to the topic on self-discovery, I have to say I realised many things about myself recently. I feel like a slightly different person from mid towards the end of last year till now. It may be that I am growing up (aww I still wanna sound like a baby, yes I like being a carefree baby hehe joking) and there has been a significant development in the maturity of myself that alhamdulillah I am thankful for. Some things that bothered me before no longer do. I have literally learned to 'not care' about certain small things. Do not get me wrong. I do not mean this in a bad way but honestly I sometimes have this 'I couldn't care less' feeling whereas before I felt like I was more naive and would be affected by these things. Let me give some examples of somethings I recently discovered.
What I Dislike:
- People being too apolegetic for small things. It gives me the opposite effect and makes me feel bad. I would rather if someone is sorry to actually say it and take action to show they are sorry. Not dwell on the that fact they are sorry but then repeat the same thing again or do nothing to make up for it. Not saying sorry at all is bad but saying it at the right times + actions is what I consider the right thing. Then again, people have their own ways of dealing with situations like this so this is my opinion and I am aware that not everyone may agree with this. Like for me, if you realise, I do not say 'sorry' very often. My parents especially my dad always tells me that I do not need to say sorry for small things. Sorry is a big word to show regret/remorse. I only say it when I mean it or when I need to. And I always always do something to make it up like a hug or a small gift or kind words. It's not complicated. If you have good intentions, it usually shows naturally.
- When people change plans at the last minute without any good reason. I always try to never do this to anybody because it's just bad to cancel last minute.
-People taking too long (days or weeks) to reply my messages or emails. Unless I know they are ill or on holiday, I often easily think that my message is considered not important to the other person. If the person does not reply at all, I will not consider sending a message again unless I really need to or until they make the first gesture.
- People asking too much about my problems or personal things. You see, I can be quite a reserved person sometimes. It is hard for me to open up to people and discuss personal things because I either think they won't understand or they will not give the support I need. For me to open up with people, it usually involves them speaking of their problem/ personal issues first. It gives me the green light that I can mention mine to them and they possibly want to hear my story as well. And when I tell people a problem for example, I am not the kind of person who just wants someone to listen. I want advice or at least motivational words to make me feel better or boost self-esteem because obviously when talking about problems, you can feel down. If I feel this person fits the criteria above, then I can open up. Otherwise, I will just stick to general topics and listen to whatever they want to share with me. I sound so complicated hehe but hey, there are some things you cannot control. And this is one example. I am a good listener though ;)
- People criticising personal things or comments too harshly on anything in the world even Trump. To me, giving an opinion is very different to criticising. Oh gosh, on fb alone people love criticising. It's a bit annoying to read honestly. To me, everyone has their own thinking and ways of doing things. About Trump, let the people of America decide who they want as president. Period. Enough said. Yes when you do not agree, you feel like telling the world but there is no need to sound harsh, rude and all the bad language. Be mature and have etiquette.
-Bad language. I do not like using harsh words. To me, it makes me sound weak. But then again, that's is my opinion. It is not suitable being the person I am.
-Rudeness, no manners, people looking down on others.
Now that I have listed these, I realised there are not too many dislikes I have. I do not like talking about dislikes to be honest. Its too much negativity and being positive and light-hearted is what I aim for always :) Then again, nobody is perfect and everyone has their likes and dislikes.
Plus, being the person I am, one more thing I dislike is :
- Hurting other people's feelings. Oh gosh, sometimes when I am offended I decide to keep quiet and not say or show anything so that the other person is not offended. I am very worried of offending people especially those I am close to and love. To me, as long as I know I did not do anything to hurt the other, I feel good at heart even if the other person did something wrong. If it was small, I'll just brush it away. If it is more serious, I'll have a chat. How do I stay so positive about someone who has offended me? Well, I always focus and think immediately about the good things they have done for me even if it is a small thing or their kind words/ gestures. I think to myself that probably they had good intentions but they did not know how to show it correctly at the time. Or I have compassion and think poor girl/guy, they are just another human being with feelings and weakness. If I am angry, they will feel hurt. Or I think how much I pity the poor or the homeless. So I think, this annoying person (at the time) could be this poor or homeless guy. Imagine how much empathy you have for this poor guy and try to channel some of that empathy to the person you are dealing with because God can change people's fate anytime. If you can feel empathy for someone in a more difficult situation than you, then I am sure you realise that your situation is not as difficult :)
This may be an exception at the time of the month or if I am not in a good mood. Most of the times, this applies :)
Ok so while I was blogging I received an email from my mentees and from my mentor partner, Sophie. Since I am on my fourth year, I get to be a mentor to 1st year students and an Undergraduate Teaching Assistant. So I get to help out in class and have a group of mentees outside lectures to meet and give tips and guidance. Its so fun! I like teaching and being on the other side of the table. Usually I am the student and now I am like the 'teacher' during these sessions. You see what I mean by fun activities. There is so much going on in Imperial, I love what I do. It keeps me positively busy day to day.
What I Like:
This is my favourite part because I get to talk about the positive and fun stuff.
- I like it when people spell my name correctly, it brings them up to a different level.
- I like it when people send me messages with smileys, it sets a positive tone.
- People remembering what I told them, for example important dates like birthday or wishing me on exam or interview day, plus plus point.
- People giving me cards/gifts on my birthday or anything really. It means so much to me to get a birthday wish or gift from someone. If there were hard feelings with anyone and they suddenly gave me something special for my birthday, I feel like all negativity has been erased away. When I say special it does not mean expensive but something they put effort into like a personalised gift or something of my favourite colour or along my favourite items: flowers, floral perfume/lotion, motivational diaries, tea, soft animals, anything green, any elegant jewellery like fine bracelets. My family, <3 and beloved besties know me well and yes I have received all of these this year and last birthday. Something else about me is that I do not like to show what I receive or what I am up to in my life too much because I am worried sometimes that someone who did not receive the same might feel disheartened. However, as I am growing up I realise that it is alright. Everyone has their own rezeki and being mature, we should be able to always be thankful with what we have and be happy for others. Remember how I told you earlier about pitying the unfortunate person on the street? If you feel sad when you see someone like that, shouldn't you be happy when someone else is happy in life? The reality is that Allah put different rezeki for different people. Keep an eye out for your own one and know that other people will have their own.
- I like to know that I am needed/ important to the other person. Whether this is said verbally or shown in action, I feel happier when this is the case.
-I like it when I can rely on the other person for small favours or when I am in need. To me, a friend in need is certainly a friend indeed. For example, I will always remember the person who helped me when I needed help. This is a deciding factor if I can call someone a close friend or not.
Some of these things I realised only recently. Some of these I have realised since before. Whatever it is, discovering yourself is crucial and self-discovery can make you a happier and content person.
The key thing here is whatever my likes or dislikes are, I know that I cannot change people. I cannot change people's behaviour except myself. The crucial part is that I have learned more about myself so I can understand the situation better when I react in certain ways or why I am closer to this person than the other. Or why I get along with people with this kind of personalities. Or the decisions I make in life. It all falls into place and makes more sense. Of course, discovering more about yourself is a journey and it takes time. Life is so busy that I have never given much thought to this but this is something I realise is important. We are all so young and there is always room for improvement as long as you keep that positive spirit and remain upbeat.
Have a great week ahead :)
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